Lately, I've been stuck in a serious
rut pigeon hole.
It's a new year but with it, unbeknownst to me, came some baggage from 2011.
I'm not talking about closet skeletons, debt or anything of the sort. When asked about it, I just say "Ohh I don't know"...
It's not bad, but good is not a term I could very well use as a description. Somewhere in the middle, I would say.
Today, sitting in front of the computer, it struck me. De ja vu.
I had this feeling a few years back... (I'm no oldie but I'd rather not say when). It was a day when I sat for a good hour, starring into the mirror. I wasn't looking at myself. No, I'm much to humble for that (lol). I was looking at the person that everyone wanted, or thought, me to be.
Flash forward to today, and I find myself traipsing down that very same path.
I have a number of possibilities for this melodramatic issue of mine:
- Sometimes I think it comes from my ability to adapt to any and every situation, after all, isn't that the key to survival? Those who can adapt move forward, and those who can't are... well..they just aren't.
- Then again a social psychologist would tell me that I am a high self monitor and therefore (in an extreme case) serve as the reason for my loss of self.
- My last and final attempt in solving this conundrum could lie in the fact that I am just a people pleaser. Not in the sense of a minion. NO...NEVER THAT. I tend to be more accommodating to the needs of others than my own. You need to talk, I have an assignment due and here I am on the phone. You work better in a group, I study better on my own but here we are in Soper Library. You smell like onions, and I am gagging but I sit next to you because abruptly moving would hurt your feelings E.T.C.
What ever it is... and I still wonder what it is..
I have to get back to what makes me happy. I have to get back to that.. dare I say it...
That Je Ne Sais Quoi that I have come to know and love.
It really is annoying when people think they know me so well and therefore become qualified predictors of my thoughts and actions... I laugh sometimes when someone says... OMG, I knew you were up to so and so... -___-
Seriously. Stop it. I have never really liked being definable because my life has been anything but.
I am a tomboy that loves to wear dresses.
A radical with liberal beliefs..
I am not defined by the definitions that you bestow me...
No, No, No...I am free to be me
I am the one and only of my kind...
I am happy for the people that have a niche, own it and stick with it for the rest of their lives. I am just not that person... I am that caged bird that just needs to be free...
I will write about any and everything.. Sex, drugs, love and politics.
I will pick up a camera today and capture the moon.
And when I'm done I will pick up a pot and cook for the president.
As crazy as it seems...
|Photo Credit: Paosin Photography|